I know, let's pick some numbers out of a hat

I realize how much I don't associate people with their phone numbers any more. I just hit their button on my cell phone.

The other day I had to call a friend on a land line (remember them?) and had to look to see the number I've hit many times before on my mobile. It was the weirdest concoction of numbers I ever did see: it started with a random area code, then half a UPC symbol, part of a zip code, followed by, I think, someone's waist measurement. I mean there wasn't even any numbers close together. Definitely no eight-zero couples or a one-two-one-two to make things easier. No, these numbers gave maximum stretchage to the thumb (think 9-1-7 all the way over to a 3 combo). There was no rhyme or reason. As I dialed, all I could think was "What the $#%& is this?".

I'm part Q-Bert...

Thanks, I just had it stuffed

The other day, my wife and I were getting some grub when we came across this sign. I think their slogan is: "See yourself in our pants"

Maybe not...

Well, either way, please allow the myriad of funny lines to wash over you. My gift.

Just wait for the Highlights reference

Is it possible for corduroys to spontaniously combust?
I'm just worried I'm gonna be bookin' through the forest in my cords one day, the sound of swishing becoming increasingly louder, when all of a sudden
*poof*
I get a call from Smokey the Bear rocking his dungarees, brimmed hat, grizzly nips, and he's not very happy.
Dude, Smokey, put on a shirt already.
I betcha Ranger Rick gots my back. Problem is, he's totally naked except for the green baseball hat (go ahead look it up, I checked).
Aye yai yai, can a dude get a fully clothed, PSA cartoon animal up in here?
Gallant wouldn't stand for that... who knows about Goofus.

The Confounding Case of the Mannequin Camel Toe...

I was at the mall the other day and saw a mannequin with such a mean case of camel toe it had to be shared. CT on mannequins? Now that's a sign that camel toe has officially jumped the shark.

Interesting... That last line sounds like something you'd see on Animal Planet.

If I mixed records...

My name would be DJ Tanner.
Either that or Taint Nasty. Haven't decided yet. But when I come across two turntables, I wanna be prepared.

Mr. Taint... if yo' nasty!

Ah, family game night

I miss a good old fashioned game of Monopoly.

You know, one that starts out so innocent and relaxed. Everyone is just happy to be together. Whoever smiles the widest gets the dog. Ahh, so sweet and serene.

Now that everyone is linked with their ideal piece, the game proceeds.

The first hour pretty much always goes the same way. A lot of dice rolling, a lot of Chance card flipping, and a heaping helping of cheesy encouraging side comments like, "Oh, wow, just missed jail on that roll, sport". Of course it's just a feeling out process for the real vets of the game.

ENOUGH!

Round about hour three we really get to the nitty gritty and see who's in it to win it and who just wants to try to get the prettiest colored properties. All kindness and joviality is stripped away, only left with hard, cold reality.

The game always inexplicably ends when someone screams out, "Up yours jackass, I rolled a 7!", and flips the board leaving the pewter pieces to fly everywhere. Money is raining down all around. Pink $5 and yellow $10 bills fill the sky of the once calm dining room.

Now everyone tries to settle down after all of the commotion. Some of us have to wrestle the wheelbarrow lodged in our eye socket yet others try to pry loose with brute force the Park Place card that has stuck itself in the drywall, ninja star style. And that's when we all turn and yell in unison:

"Grandma, it's just a game!"

Ah, now if only I could pass this thimble, I'd be alright...

Getting the hang of this new fangled device

Wow!
Just when I got the hang of my speak-n-spell, its time to update my technological know-how and master the blog. What an ordeal!
Feels pretty complicated. But after I post this, I'm gonna sit back, take a breather, log back on, gloat over what I just did, and hopefully post some more!
Hey, I hope you hang in there with me. It'll take me a little while to get the hang of this wacky new toy but I'm aiming ta.
Now if only two cans and a piece of string would come back into style...